Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”

If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.