Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.

Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure.

I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.