Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.

Making a good music video isn't easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of '16 and Pregnant,' which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that.