Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.

If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure.

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.