Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.

How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?

I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.

Scattergories is second base for Christians.