No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all

God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.