No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships; it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.

By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.

I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!