I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.

Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.

I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.