I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

I can say that. I have a television show.

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.

I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.