I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.

I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.