I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!

Yes, I am aware that I am the gayer version of Jeff Lewis.

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.

Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.