I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough.

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.