The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.

If you offer me a starring role in a movie, I have no interest.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

You know, you can only cram your beliefs down a young kid's throat for so long before he goes, "you know, the other side seems to be having a lot more fun."