Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough.

Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.

I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.

If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.