Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.

People write a lot of similar material. That's why I try to come up with the most absurd jokes.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.