Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.

I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad.

Scattergories is second base for Christians.

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?"