A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough.

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.