Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

If Canada were really that great, it would be a state.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.