Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.

I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.