The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.

I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.