Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.

I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?"

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.