Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling. A lot of people get to this level and they're like, Now I do four cities in one week and they tour nonstop. I'm like, No, that sounds miserable. I'll just do two weekends a month. But whenever I'm in some awful place geographically, it's no longer that awful, because you've got the Internet and television.

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.