Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

I'll do anything usually if there's money involved and little work.

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.