Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.

I'll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.