Don't you love it when people in school are like, “I'm a bad test taker”? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult?

Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young.

The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.

Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.