I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling. A lot of people get to this level and they're like, Now I do four cities in one week and they tour nonstop. I'm like, No, that sounds miserable. I'll just do two weekends a month. But whenever I'm in some awful place geographically, it's no longer that awful, because you've got the Internet and television.

Canadians complain too much. 'I like seasons.' So do I; that's why I live in a place that skips the [unpleasant] ones.

No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

I think pro-athletes should be forced to use steroids. I think we as fans deserve the greatest athletes science can create! Lets go! Anything that will make you run faster, jump higher! I have High-Definition TV! I want my athletes like my video games! Lets go! I could care less if you die at 40. You hate life after sports anyways. I'm doing you a favor.

I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.