It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.