I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?

Here’s what I tell people now when they come to my shows: “First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.”

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

I graduated from college and went on one job interview and was laughing in my own head because I wouldn't hire me.