I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.

I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.

Comedy Central wanted to do a show with me, I had a couple failures under my belt with them already, but they still wanted to try something else. They came to me and said they wanted to do something that was internet focused and created original content on their site, so they could compete with the funny or dies and what not. So that was the premise, and they gave us a small amount of money, $5000, and from there it turned into the show.

It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.