One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.

Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

Now it's time for amasians... That's Asians doing something amazing.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.

The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.