One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.