That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

Making a good music video isn't easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of '16 and Pregnant,' which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don't laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.