That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.

You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

I think pro-athletes should be forced to use steroids. I think we as fans deserve the greatest athletes science can create! Lets go! Anything that will make you run faster, jump higher! I have High-Definition TV! I want my athletes like my video games! Lets go! I could care less if you die at 40. You hate life after sports anyways. I'm doing you a favor.