Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.
I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.
I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.
Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.