Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?"

Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough.

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes.