Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?"

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling.

Every video from Russia is depressing, it's like they have their cameras set to sad.

Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.