Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.