I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.

You are a sick freak who should be beaten.

Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.

When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.

I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.