I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.

I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they're not ugly.

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.