I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.

I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell.

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare.

I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.