The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.

I don't know what's funny and what's not so I test out all of my material in front of audiences.

No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!