You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile.

Being on the road is kind of lonely.

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.