You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.

I never wanted to be famous.

It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.