Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.

If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.

I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.