When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. "Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait - don't run away!"

I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.

I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!

Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile.

I don't watch reality TV.

So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.