When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean, I'm no Jon or Kate plus eight. I'm just a comic, not a baby factory.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.

I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions.

It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.