When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.

Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.

My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.