When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a friend's a guy who will help you move. A best friend's a guy who will help you move a body. That's how I look at it.

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.