I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.

I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.

I have no grand scheme.

I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!