Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.

Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.