Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.

My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.