My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.

I don't watch reality TV.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don't know what he's talking about. One time, we were surrounded, then we ran out of ammo, then we were fighting hand-to-hand, then we started dancing, and that's how I met your mother.