I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.

I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.

Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?