Jesse Joyce is a great writer.

I never wanted to be famous.

Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.

It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.

I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother... that's all they need.