Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.

I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.

I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.

I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.

You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.