Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid.

I have no grand scheme.

My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.

Being on the road is kind of lonely.