Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again.

I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions.

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.

I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.

For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future.