For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.

This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just can't go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money... "Ta-da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?

Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?

I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.