For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't know what happened to them. That's the crowd that I like, the ones that don't get so offended just to be offended.

I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.

I never wanted to be famous.

Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile.