Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts freakin' out. He's like 'the electric chair? That's too good for these people. That's too good for them'. Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?
Dave AttellI'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.
Dave AttellDon't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.
Dave AttellSo, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
Dave Attell