You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.

Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile.