You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts freakin' out. He's like 'the electric chair? That's too good for these people. That's too good for them'. Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.

Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.

Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.