So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.

Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.

I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes.