So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

I don't watch reality TV.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

Jesse Joyce is a great writer.