Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."

My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.