It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they're crying.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

I have no grand scheme.

Jesse Joyce is a great writer.

Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.