So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?