So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.

I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions.

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile.

I never wanted to be famous.

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?