Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

I have no grand scheme.

Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.