I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. "Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait - don't run away!"

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

I'm not like a performer type.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.