I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.

I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.