I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin!

I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes.

Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.

Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.