I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.