I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright?

I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.

I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.