Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.

Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a friend's a guy who will help you move. A best friend's a guy who will help you move a body. That's how I look at it.

Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.

I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.

I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.