Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance.....the day has begun.

I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.