Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.