I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

I'm not like a performer type.

If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.

I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.