I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.

Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's not what I said!

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.