Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of that one sick man, and it's up to me and a half-mexican to stop him.

There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on, ... I've heard good stories about (Syracuse); this is a very good party town, a good drinking place. I definitely would like to come back and check it out further. Do some more research, as I call it.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts freakin' out. He's like 'the electric chair? That's too good for these people. That's too good for them'. Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?

I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family.