Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of that one sick man, and it's up to me and a half-mexican to stop him.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.

Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a friend's a guy who will help you move. A best friend's a guy who will help you move a body. That's how I look at it.

So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.