I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.

I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass.

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.